apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize