If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
