I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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