Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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