he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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