I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
