So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
