i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
