We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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