We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
