I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I cannot find my penis.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
