dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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