Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize