I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
