My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize