And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize