so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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