I wanna bring you to show and tell
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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