I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
