when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
