I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
