I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
we should paint friendship bongs
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