it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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