I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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