is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
