does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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