You're my little dorito
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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