I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
