dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
