well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
