I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
