Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We were destined to go to rehab together
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
