Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
