I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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