I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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