Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
