Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
