Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
