He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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