I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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