it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
