Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
