Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
