Apparently you make a good broom.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
