I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
