Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
