theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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