if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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