theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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