Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
