She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I fill condoms, not promises.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize