mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
