Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
