I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize