The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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