i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
