youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
