It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just found a bag of teeth...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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