dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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