Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
God, I missed his penis.
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