I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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