Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
