I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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