the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
