Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
