Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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