last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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