tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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