My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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