So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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