I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
zippers are such a cool invention
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize