Four minutes until I can fart!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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